One year after starting my big girl corporate job and in a place where for the first time I felt like I was no longer in a financial survival mode, I got a nudge from the Holy Spirit that it was time to start seeing someone about the mountain of pain I had experienced throughout my life. I didn’t know what to call it. Trauma was not yet in my vocabulary. I just knew I needed someone to ask me the right questions about my experiences. I vividly remember completing a client intake form to see a therapist and I felt like I did not fit into the categories listed for reasons why I wanted to become a client. I never submitted the form because it didn’t feel quite right. Time was quickly passing and I knew I needed to get the deep work started.

I was really good at objectively sharing my experiences from the depths of my dissociation and I would cry every time I did. I was also very aware of how childhood pain is affecting my life today, but I had no tools for how to heal it, except that God is leading me and has led me through some really awful shit.

The more I grew in awareness of the pain, the more the Holy Spirit was gentle and kind to help me connect the dots and reveal more in the discovery, but I still needed resource and tools. I knew I didn’t want to see someone to help me identify pain or connect the dots. I also knew for sure I needed someone to facilitate my healing process, to lead me and guide me on the journey. I needed someone to ask me the right questions so I can be with the pain as well as give myself what I am needing to heal. I knew I wanted God in that process too, but I didn’t know how to get there.

One day I was sharing in community how I feel this deep nudge to run after healing so a friend recommended I check out a free sozo healing session and then she later connected me with another friend (they’re also a clinical psychologist) who shared about the impact with sozo. I did a ton of research but was still very skeptical. Months later, I saw my friend again and she typically does not show any emotion, but she started crying as she told me again, I needed to do this for me. I finally decided to check out the sozo inner healing experience as recommended. My initial throught was, “I’m so skeptical about this, Lord” I was unsure of what to expect, but WOW, it was exactly what my heart needed. The woman who led my inner healing session was only present to facilitate/guide a dialogue between me, God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. In only a few hours I had a powerful breakthrough that was incomprehensible to my human mind.

I left the inner healing session feeling seen, safe and held, free and light, covered and protected. I felt like I was walking on air the week preceeding that moment. I remember thinking, “wow God, is this what you wanted for my heart this entire time? Well, that was freaking powerful and I need more of it.”

Another friend who knew I was on a healing journey introduced me to the Compassion Project - a course created by Justin and Abi Stumvoll that teaches people how to practice compassion as a tool to heal our life and heal our relationship with others. This course was a huge game-change for me because it gave me real language for things I had already walked through, but didn’t know how to describe in a way that can be understood.

I found so much value in the course and learned practical tools from Justin and Abi. I saw my life transforming through their teachings and in January 2021 I decided to sign up for their Living Fully Alive Immersion Program - a fourteen week certificate program with live consulting and community heart syncs. Inside LFA, I learned a ton and I also showed up to every session to process or listen to my cohort. It was a powerful place to bear witness to pain and share a common humanity with people who came from very different walks of life. I learned all the tools, did all the homework, met 1:1 with a life consultant and practiced all that I was learning. Most weeks, I had a deep vulnerability hangover, but each week was met with radical healing, life changing encounters, bravery, inspiration, messiness and fun.

This is the very thing my heart was searching for to heal from painful and traumatic experiences outside of the 1:1 traditional therapy model. I think the 1:1 therapy model is amazing, but I needed more than that, I’m so glad I found it in community.

Last week, I had a really big breakthrough. For the first time in my life, I was able to recognize the places where I felt the pain of emotions in my body.

I know that might sound really strange. How could it be? After all I’m a living, breathing human being and fully alive too, right? Well, if you’re confused, me too. I’ve been a crier my entire life, in fact, some people I grew up with and around teased me by saying I’m an “egg,” i.e., i’m easy to crack open at the slightest touch. I too, had no idea that I can do all that without being in touch with my physical body. I had no clue that my body was detached from my emotions, but that makes total sense when I think about how much I had to dissociate from the reality of my painful experiences to feel safe.

I am learning that my body is really good at storing emotions. I am also learning that the more I heal my emotions, the more i’m aware of physical pain in my body. I’m impressed by my body’s ability to keep me safe and I’m also sad that I’ve had to do that for my entire life.

As a child, there were many times where I was in a fight or flight trauma response. I was either running away from being beaten, hiding under the bed the moment I hear footsteps coming toward me or I’d often fold my body in a fetal position to self-protect from physical abuse. I’ve had to face physical abuse a lot between age 3-18 and at some point in my childhood, I separated my emotion from my body to survive the pain from all the abuse.

I had to dissociate my body from my emotion to survive unsafe environments and not knowing what I would do next to warrant punishment.

My home environments taught me well how to be a hyper-vigilant, high performing perfectionist. Living in that state, taught me that if I wasn’t a high-capacity worker / performer, I would be denied acceptance, I will be rejected, I will not be liked and love will be removed from my life. In a lot of cases I would be denied my basic need, like food or shelter because occasionally my fear of a beating would cause me to hide for a long. That sometimes meant, I would prefer to sleep outside or underneath the house until my abuser calmed down or grant me forgiveness — gosh even as I write this, I hear my little self, saying, “please forgive me.”

It makes so much sense that not being able to feel emotion in my body was a major coping mechanism for me. This behavior is the product of my grandmother criticizing and subjecting me to verbal, emotional and physical abuse if I didn’t do things to her liking in the way she expected.

This week I showed up to work and felt physical pain from anxiety in my body - this was such a strange feeling for me. Sure, my job is demanding, but I am also a good performer in my role and nothing had changed that week, except something shifted in my body.

I immediately recognized the tightness and pain in my chest and I acknowledged the physical pain and short breath. I tried to emotionally regulate my heart in the moment and I gently stepped in with deep breathing, validation and gentle compassion for adult me. However, that did not really get to the root of my pain. This experience had little to do with the events of my job and more to do how I show up in my job navigating tasks tied to an outcome that may or may not be hinged on my performance.

Yesterday I showed up to a live consulting session and I experienced another big breakthrough for very that revelation I had this week. Life Consultants, Abi and Rachel led me through the process to get to the root of the pain I felt in my body.

The beauty of this is, my body is shedding the weight of all i’ve been carrying for years and now it no longer knows how to hold the emotion. Holding emotion is becoming foreign to my body and that’s great and scary at the same time.

When Abi and Rachel walked me through this healing breakthrough, it was sad and messy, hard and powerful. It was a deep release to know I am I safe and protected in my adult body. I felt much peace and release and a lot of permission that while my heart is in pain, it’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok that I’m peeling back the layers, one experience at a time. I am so thankful for resource, tools and a community to cover me on the journey.

What I know for sure is this. The more I dig deep into the well of understanding my pain, the more I am learning to be gentle, compassionate and validating in my language to myself and others.

Below is a short-list of some traumatic things I’ve been actively healing from. I plan to share more about my journey to heal and help others discover more about who they are from the experiences that shape their lives.

Death, abandonment and grief
Rejection & self-hatred
Physical, verbal and emotional abuse
Sexual harassment and not being believed in
Hatred and forgiveness
Belonging and not being celebrated

This list is not exhaustive, but I think it provides an insight into some of the things I’ve had to navigate. I spent more than half of my life strategizing how to get out of painful situations, and I never had time to sit with the pain of the experiences so that they’re no longer driving my life. I’ve overcome what feels like a lifetime of trauma. I use “overcome” loosely as I recognize I’m no longer in survival mode, but I have a lifetime ahead to heal the pain of my past.

Looking Back To Move Forward